Yesterday, in the midst of an awkward balancing pose, my yoga teacher John said to the class, “You may be feeling shaky right now. It’s just your body. It’s afraid it’s going to fall.”
I was feeling shaky in that balancing pose. But, I had already been shaky when I stepped on to my mat. I had barely slept the night before. My mind was uncontrollable and my emotions had gotten the best of me. I definitely was not living in the present moment. I understood that his statement didn’t only apply to the physical act of falling. I realized that I was feeling shaky not because of fear of a physical fall but fear of an emotional one. I am afraid of falling in love.
I’m a casual student of Zen so I know that something must have triggered this fear in me. After some searching, I’ve come to the conclusion that Hope was the culprit. I recently joined the dating world again with no expectations and a pretty negative attitude. I expected to continue to feel nothing but I’ve actually begun to feel hopeful. I’m hopeful that love is closer to finding me than I’d previously thought. So, this hope thing triggered some fear in me. It seems that my mind and body remember the other times I’ve hoped for love and not attained. They associate hope with failure and pain now. This is why I’ve been thrown off balance.
If I’ve learned correctly, the key to resolving this issue is to go deep into the pain. I just need to sit with these feelings until they disappear completely. I’ve been hurt many times. We’ve all been hurt. We all have wounds that we’re trying to protect and in protecting those wounds from further hurt, we may inadvertently hurt others. I’ve gone through the process of forgiveness and have forgiven most of those who have hurt me knowing that the pain inflicted was always about them and never really about me. I’ve yet though to forgive myself for the role I played in the hurts of the past. It’s time to work on that now.
I believe that people come into our lives as teachers. They act as mirrors to show us what we need to change or let go of in order to find the peace we all desire. I also believe that we all have soul mates - not just one, but many who are here to help us achieve our highest potential. Some of them are romantic soul mates and others are platonic. I’m hopeful that I will find one of my romantic soul mates sooner than I think. I’m looking forward to an enlightened relationship centered in trust, compassion and freedom. Despite the fear of falling, I’m staying open to possibilities. I’ll try my best to not color the present moment with the sins of the past or project into the future. It may be challenging at times, but that’s why I’m here – to learn and to be challenged.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Accepting our Limitations
Acceptance begins with presence. It begins with witnessing our emotions and our thoughts. On Saturday, I attended a particularly challenging advanced yoga class. We were asked to come into some inversions that required a great deal of strength, control, balance and focus. Not many students could complete the poses. But still, a few were able to. I compared myself to those few and began to create my hell. Hell begins in the mind then begins to manifest in our physical lives. I began to think things like “I should be able to do those poses. I don’t belong in this class.” I almost immediately began to feel weak and lost the will to finish the class. I even considered not returning. This is what the mind does to us.
Thankfully, I was still aware enough to witness my thoughts and emotions so I understood that they were not ‘me’. I didn’t identify with them. When the class was over, I allowed myself to fully feel the emotions while remaining observant. I didn’t stuff the emotions down or try to ignore them. I sat with them. Within the hour, I was done with them. I accepted my limitation for the day. I was free. The light of awareness dispelled the darkness. Had I not sat with the emotions, I could have remained in darkness. I may have quit the class or allowed the emotions to fester until they snowballed into something bigger like an illness or a depression. Every thought or emotion I observe instead of identifying with brings me closer to freedom.
Yoga has helped tremendously with my increasing ability to stay present (or conscious). I am beginning to gain control over my mind. Control of the mind is the main focus of yoga. I am a fan of both Zen Buddhism as taught by Osho and Yoga Philosophy so when Osho combined the two I knew I’ve been on the correct path. Here is what Osho says:
“Mind is there with everyone. The possibility of darkness and light both are implied in it. Mind itself is neither the enemy nor the friend. You can make it a friend you can make it an enemy. It depends on you -- on you who is hidden behind the mind. If you can make the mind your instrument, your slave, the mind becomes the passage through which you can reach the ultimate. If you become the slave and the mind is allowed to be the master, then this mind which has become master will lead you to ultimate anguish and darkness.”
“All the techniques, all the methods, all the paths of yoga, are really concerned deeply only with one problem: how to use the mind. Rightly used, mind comes to a point where it becomes no-mind. Wrongly used, mind comes to a point where it is just a chaos, many voices antagonistic to each other contradictory, confusing, insane."
“These sutras of Patanjali will lead you step by step towards this understanding of the mind -- what it is, what types of modes it takes, what types of modifications come into it, how you can use it and go beyond it. And, remember, you have nothing else right now -- only the mind. You have to use it.”
“Mastery of the mind is yoga. And when Patanjali says "cessation of the mind", this is meant: cessation as a master. Mind ceases as a master. Then it is not active. Then it is a passive instrument. You order, it works; you don't order, it remains still. It is just waiting. It cannot assert by itself. The assertion is lost; the violence is lost. It will not try to control you. Now just the reverse is the case. How to become masters? And how to put mind to its place, where you can use it; where, if you don't want to use it, you can put it aside and remain silent? So the whole mechanism of the mind will have to be understood.”
Thankfully, I was still aware enough to witness my thoughts and emotions so I understood that they were not ‘me’. I didn’t identify with them. When the class was over, I allowed myself to fully feel the emotions while remaining observant. I didn’t stuff the emotions down or try to ignore them. I sat with them. Within the hour, I was done with them. I accepted my limitation for the day. I was free. The light of awareness dispelled the darkness. Had I not sat with the emotions, I could have remained in darkness. I may have quit the class or allowed the emotions to fester until they snowballed into something bigger like an illness or a depression. Every thought or emotion I observe instead of identifying with brings me closer to freedom.
Yoga has helped tremendously with my increasing ability to stay present (or conscious). I am beginning to gain control over my mind. Control of the mind is the main focus of yoga. I am a fan of both Zen Buddhism as taught by Osho and Yoga Philosophy so when Osho combined the two I knew I’ve been on the correct path. Here is what Osho says:
“Mind is there with everyone. The possibility of darkness and light both are implied in it. Mind itself is neither the enemy nor the friend. You can make it a friend you can make it an enemy. It depends on you -- on you who is hidden behind the mind. If you can make the mind your instrument, your slave, the mind becomes the passage through which you can reach the ultimate. If you become the slave and the mind is allowed to be the master, then this mind which has become master will lead you to ultimate anguish and darkness.”
“All the techniques, all the methods, all the paths of yoga, are really concerned deeply only with one problem: how to use the mind. Rightly used, mind comes to a point where it becomes no-mind. Wrongly used, mind comes to a point where it is just a chaos, many voices antagonistic to each other contradictory, confusing, insane."
“These sutras of Patanjali will lead you step by step towards this understanding of the mind -- what it is, what types of modes it takes, what types of modifications come into it, how you can use it and go beyond it. And, remember, you have nothing else right now -- only the mind. You have to use it.”
“Mastery of the mind is yoga. And when Patanjali says "cessation of the mind", this is meant: cessation as a master. Mind ceases as a master. Then it is not active. Then it is a passive instrument. You order, it works; you don't order, it remains still. It is just waiting. It cannot assert by itself. The assertion is lost; the violence is lost. It will not try to control you. Now just the reverse is the case. How to become masters? And how to put mind to its place, where you can use it; where, if you don't want to use it, you can put it aside and remain silent? So the whole mechanism of the mind will have to be understood.”
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