Afraid to Fall

Yesterday, in the midst of an awkward balancing pose, my yoga teacher John said to the class, “You may be feeling shaky right now. It’s just your body. It’s afraid it’s going to fall.”

I was feeling shaky in that balancing pose. But, I had already been shaky when I stepped on to my mat. I had barely slept the night before. My mind was uncontrollable and my emotions had gotten the best of me. I definitely was not living in the present moment. I understood that his statement didn’t only apply to the physical act of falling. I realized that I was feeling shaky not because of fear of a physical fall but fear of an emotional one. I am afraid of falling in love.

I’m a casual student of Zen so I know that something must have triggered this fear in me. After some searching, I’ve come to the conclusion that Hope was the culprit. I recently joined the dating world again with no expectations and a pretty negative attitude. I expected to continue to feel nothing but I’ve actually begun to feel hopeful. I’m hopeful that love is closer to finding me than I’d previously thought. So, this hope thing triggered some fear in me. It seems that my mind and body remember the other times I’ve hoped for love and not attained. They associate hope with failure and pain now. This is why I’ve been thrown off balance.

If I’ve learned correctly, the key to resolving this issue is to go deep into the pain. I just need to sit with these feelings until they disappear completely. I’ve been hurt many times. We’ve all been hurt. We all have wounds that we’re trying to protect and in protecting those wounds from further hurt, we may inadvertently hurt others. I’ve gone through the process of forgiveness and have forgiven most of those who have hurt me knowing that the pain inflicted was always about them and never really about me. I’ve yet though to forgive myself for the role I played in the hurts of the past. It’s time to work on that now.

I believe that people come into our lives as teachers. They act as mirrors to show us what we need to change or let go of in order to find the peace we all desire. I also believe that we all have soul mates - not just one, but many who are here to help us achieve our highest potential. Some of them are romantic soul mates and others are platonic. I’m hopeful that I will find one of my romantic soul mates sooner than I think. I’m looking forward to an enlightened relationship centered in trust, compassion and freedom. Despite the fear of falling, I’m staying open to possibilities. I’ll try my best to not color the present moment with the sins of the past or project into the future. It may be challenging at times, but that’s why I’m here – to learn and to be challenged.